When most people hear the word trauma they think of physical abuse, sexual abuse, war, living in poverty and other horribly painful experiences. While these experiences are deeply traumatic, they do not cover the whole scope of how nuanced, subjective, and complex trauma can be. Trauma occurs when an event (or cumulative events) overwhelm our system’s capacity to cope with the experiences. What may be traumatic for one person may not be for someone else. The most important thing to know about trauma is that most trauma occurs in relationship; any kind of abuse whether emotional, physical, sexual, or spiritual happens from person to person. Paradoxically, trauma is traumatic because when it occurred, we felt alone. A support system, or even just one person who is truly there for us, someone with whom we feel supported and “felt” by, mitigates the lasting effects of traumatic experiences. This is one reason psychotherapy can be so helpful at resolving issues related to trauma.

Much of my work with clients centers around uncovering and resolving issues related to traumas that people often do not think of as trauma. If you are a person who has struggled with issues such as anxiety, low self-esteem, shame, depression, intense internal criticism, or dissociation, you may feel that "something must be wrong with me," because you can’t point to any clear reason why you are experiencing these things. In reality, you are likely experiencing the after effects of trauma. This trauma may not have been overt, such as physical or sexual abuse, it may be that you experienced things such as emotional abuse and relational trauma which can often be more “hidden” or covert. Many of my clients believe they had perfectly healthy families and that any hurts they have experienced in their early years pail in comparison to those who have suffered from "real trauma."

The truth is that when we are young, we rely on our caregivers for our very survival, we need them to be responsive, attuned, attentive, available, and emotionally aware of our needs. We need them to be wiser and more mature than us. We need them to provide us not only with physical safety but also with emotional safety. We need them to help us understand ourselves, our experiences and our emotions. We need them to be able to hold and tolerate emotions in order for us to learn how to hold and tolerate (regulate) our emotions and experiences. We also need our caregivers to model and hold appropriate boundaries and parental roles while simultaneously respecting our individuality and helping us grow into our own people. When caregivers are not able to provide these things, such as when parents are mentally ill, abusive, emotionally immature, have insecure attachment patterns, are themselves anxious or dissociated (traumatized) and cannot attune to our unique experiences and emotions, we do not feel safe. When care-givers need their children to take care of their emotional needs, or when caregivers criticize, deny, ignore and/or minimize children's emotions, deep trauma can occur.

This is a different kind of trauma than the "shock" or "event" trauma that we often think of. It is called relational or developmental trauma and its effects are cumulative and often woven into the fabric of who we are and how we relate to ourselves and others. This kind of trauma can lead us to be hyper-vigilant of self and others, distrustful or distant in relationships, ambivalent or fearful of being intimate with others; it can cause us to lose track of ourselves, to feel engulfed and overwhelmed by others, or to feel isolated and deeply alone. It can also lead us to carry shame, negative core beliefs that we are bad, as well as lead to self-recrimination and self-hatred. Clinically this type of trauma can be found at the root of C-PTSD, anxiety, depression and a whole slew of other challenging symptoms.

If this resonates with you, I encourage you to reach out for support. Working with a therapist like myself who is trauma and attachment informed can be incredibly healing and transformative. I have seen many clients slowly unravel and begin to heal from developmental trauma and I assure you that you have the resiliency and strength to do this healing as well.